If you fall...

I just watched the movie "Precious" for the first time...something I have been putting off for months because I prefer to read the book a movie is based on before seeing the movie. But in the busy-ness of life I just haven't gotten around to it. Anyway, God truly does do things for a reason, because for whatever reason I decided to watch it tonight. It TRULY made me realize that my trials and tribulations aren't as bad as I thought they were this morning. Despite everything my life is nothing like what Claireece had to endure. I CAN read & write...I HAVE a mother who loves me...I AM educated...I HAVE two beautiful children who are happy and healthy...I HAVE a job...I HAVE people who genuinely care about me and my well being...I AM healthy...I HAVE a father who loves me... So in the grand scheme of things I could be a lot worse off than the state that I am in. In all actuality, this movie also makes me realize that with all that she endured, Claireece was still able to push on. She went to school, continued to learn, raised her kids, and made a life for herself despite her molestation and HIV status. I know there are people in the world who are worse off than I am, and yet they persevere and live happy lives. It makes me think of one of my favorite quotes by Les Brown "If you fall, fall on your back. If you can look up then you can get up!"

Relieved

I am sitting here watching Oprah, which is something I almost never do, but for some reason I am awake this afternoon and paying attention. And she is interviewing a mother who accidentally left her 2 year old in the car resulting in her death. As I watch I am so overwhelmed with emotion and simultaneously relieved because watching this show validates the fact that I am not the only mother in the world who constantly feels overwhelmed, and for a change I don't feel like a horrible mother because I know that I am not alone! It has always felt like I could not meet the invisible, imaginary model of a perfect mother. At any given moment on any given day I could literally lose it, or simply forget that the love of my life is in the backseat of the car. I am relieved that juggling motherhood, and a career, and resposiblities and grad school are difficult for other mothers out there too, because you never hear about that...you only ever hear and see these "perfect" moms with their "perfect" kids and then feel like a failure for not being that. So I have to say thank you to Oprah for making me realize that I am "normal" and that being an overwhelmed mother is more common than I thought! I mean there are mothers calling who have actually locked or left their kids in the car, who have ignored their child only to find them choking, and a myriad of other stories of mothers who feel the need to get it all done and in attempt to "multi-task" are playing russian roulette with their kids lives and unfortunately I am a part of that group. There needs to be a support group for "US"!!!!

Can SOMEBODY please explain...

I am currently caught in a conundrum...to paraphrase Shakespeare "To speak, or not to speak...That is the question". I have often been chided for my periods of silence, I guess because it makes people feel uncomfortable when they don't know what's goin on in my head. I have been frequently deemed as Evil, Unsocial, Mean, Aloof, etc...because at times I have chosen to be silent versus misunderstood. But just as Libras need balance, I often have times where I am very chatty and extremely talkative. However, it is during these spans I have been characterized as having a "slick" mouth! I will admit, I am smart...very smart and I do AT TIMES disguise humor, cajoling, and sarcasm with my adept handle of the English vernacular (see what I mean, lol) but this isn't always the case. So which one is it...do people want me to be quiet or speak my mind??? Cause clearly you can't have it both ways...

Care-free Me

And my heart shatters like an ice cube hitting the ground.
The void is filled with the sweet spirit of being care-free.
For the first time in my life it matters not what others think,
feel, believe or say about me.
For on this day, at this very moment the ONLY thing that matters...
is what I think of Me!

This Can't Be Life...

I am struck by the words of the Jay-Z(et. al.) song "This Can't Be Life". How often do we sit down and really evaluate our lives? Well today I've had the opportunity to really evaluate mine, and I am quite disappointed to say things are not how I would have planned, imagined or dreamed they'd be on the verge of my 32ND birthday. I am a Libra, an idealist...I believe in love, white picket fences and happily ever after. Or at least I did before today....now I am not sure what to believe anymore. I always wanted a relationship, who doesn't want to connect with someone of like mind, goals, morals and dreams...nobody WANTS to be alone. Sadly I can say I've never had that. The 4 men I've ever devoted my heart to, have never been able to give me their hearts in a like manner. Some have given me more than others, but none have given me all. In each case, there was always me and someone else. The first couldn't give me his heart because I wouldn't give him my body, so he chose to flaunt his sexual conquests in my face. The second I actually gave my body too, but I guess it wasn't enough because he sought pleasure from another and ultimately had two kids with her. The third didn't want anyone to know about "us", and me being naive and stupid went along with the scheme...not realizing until it was too late that he needed "us" to be a secret so that his others wouldn't find out. And even after most found out or surmised our relationship I was still never his "girlfriend" until I was on my way out the door. The fourth started as something I never expected to last. I fully intended him to be a temporary fling to bide my time during a hiatus from number 3...fortunately or unfortunately it turned into way more. As a result, here I sit 12 years and 4 kids later wondering how my life turned into this and still no closer to having his heart the same way he has mine. Of the 4 I have to say that number 2 and 4 mean/meant the most to me. And it is funny because they remind me so much of each other. I will eternally love number 4 because of the two little miracles he gave me, but I think we will never be more than parents to the same children. And that saddens me...because like I said I believe in happily ever after! I want my kids to wake up daily with both parents present in the household and I hate being in the statistic of African-American women who will never marry or that they are in a statistic of being born to a single parent. IT HURTS LIKE HELL, and my heart has broken into a million pieces knowing I brought them into this situation and can't fix or undo it. And so I sit here in the dark with the words of Jay-Z flowing through my head..."This can't be life, this can't be love. This can't be right, there's gotta be more, this can't be us!"

So I have been really doing some soul searching the past couple of weeks and I have come to several conclusions:

1. I am a good person, notice I didn't say perfect...I've never professed to know it ALL, or understand it ALL or even to be able to do it ALL. I have flaws and I am capable of admitting that. But if I can live with the flaws of others, then I just want the same in return.

2. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love HARD, I love deep and I love selfishly. I've had to do a lot of sharing my life and for once I wanna have my cake and eat it ALL by my damn self!!!!

3. I am willing to deal with and do damn near anything for those that I TRULY love.

4. Don't, I repeat DON'T mess with my kids...if we aren't friends why the hell are you touching my offspring.

5. I get personal amusement from people who are tough from a distance. You didn't want none the last time, then chance are you don't want any now. Stop trying to use words to hurt me, it doesn't work!

Alright, now that I've gotten that off of my chest on to more important matters...

$hit that Pisses Me Off!

Here is a revamp of an old Classic....enjoy!

~Why is it that people feel they have the authority to distribute other people's belongings. So as we all know I am a pen snob, I only like specific pens...namely Pilot V-7 in Fine, Uniball Scripto Bit, Dixon Ticonderoga pencils and a few others. So, why would you pass out the stuff that I purchase for myself to students? I mean clearly I didn't intend for them to have it...you've never seen me pass out the "good" stuff to them before. Now I am all for making sure students are able to learn, but I have specific pencils for my rugrats because realistically I know that once I lend it one of two things is gonna happen - 1) I am not getting it back or 2) they are gonna sharpen it so d@mn small that I am not going to want it back. All I am saying is keep your hands to yourself, lol

~People who beep their horn 2 seconds after the light turns green. I mean are you really in that much of a d@mn hurry? Guess what, that only serves to piss me off and 9 times outta 10 I am gonna sit at the light a few seconds longer just to piss you off. Not to mention I know how to blow my horn too, which I will also do in return to your constant honks. See what your impatience got you...now you are even later than you were before you beeped at me. Next time leave the house earlier or give me some reaction time. Sheesh!

~Parents who think that Teachers are some sort of Educational slave. If I am not mistaken Frederick, Harriet, and Sojourner got us off the plantation and Rosa got us off the back of the bus, so why are you talking to me like I am some second class citizen. You must be off your rocker...I am gonna need you to bring it down a notch and speak to me as an adult. Yes I work in a classroom full of children but that doesn't make me one. And in case you didn't know, I will hang up on you. Don't try to front and flex on me...I've seen your address, I know where you live - IT'S CALLED THE HOOD! And I drive past it everyday on my way to work...lol

~People who do little to no work yet they get paid the same (probably more than) I do. I am gonna need you to take your lazy ass outta my classroom and go bother somebody else. The same rules apply to you that apply to my students...if I can't do it, then you can't either! So WTF makes you think you're gonna take a nap in here???? If you have a medical condition like Narcolepsy then please exit my classroom and find the nearest PCP to get a prescription to take care of that. Otherwise, get the hell away from me before I kirk on you!!!

~People who interject into other people's conversations...we don't know what the heck you are even talking about, do you? I mean it would be one thing if we liked you and you were part of the "group", but we DON'T and you're NOT so go tell your mindless banter to someone else because when you talk all we hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH like on the Peanuts cartoons. So please understand we are not laughing with you, we are lauging AT YOU!!!!!!!!!

~What makes parents think they are qualified enough to play doctor on their kids. Just because you watched a few episodes of House, Grey's Anantomy or General Hospital doesn't put an M.D. behind your name or make you a learned enough to take Little Johnny off his ADHD medication. Now you are pissed at me because I keep calling you on your JOB because Little Johnny is disrupting me from doing my JOB. How do you expect me to teach or him to learn if he is roaming around the classroom and trying to terrorize all his classmates. You don't have anybody to mad at but your d@mnself! Next time seek the help of a real MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL if you child needs medical attention. And be happy that kids can't sue their parents for medical malpractice for playing around with their ADHD (or any other) meds and messing up their education!!!