The Weirdest Week...

This has hands down been one of the strangest weeks of my life. From changes on the job front to oddities on the home front...everything has been one interesting cyclone of events over the past 6 or so days.  In some instances I am torn, for instance I loved teaching 3rd grade and have never wanted to move higher or again go lower, I was content & comfortable...then things got shaken up and I was moved to 4th grade.  Initially, i was apprehensive about the change and having to seemingly start over but there are some perks to having students that you are familiar with and not having to start over or begin a new.

On the flip side is home,  I know something is afoot and yet I don't know what.  I can surmise a storm is brewing based on general statements and hints.  I don't exactly know what is wrong, although I have my suspicions.  And it feels strange but I NEVER want the ones I love to hurt, because of my doing or because of another's.  Since this is not of my doing I feel helpless in rectifying the situation, in helping one of the people I care about the most cope with their position.  Somethings aren't meant to be fixed, at least not by me...so I guess all I can do is be the Friend I have always been; an ear to listen, a heart to care and a shoulder to cry on!

Lights...Camera...Spotlight!!!

It's funny cause the caption on the shirt in this photograph reads "No Paparazzi" but since I have taken this photo, my life has sort of been the exact opposite. I tend to be more of a background type of person...not because I am afraid of the spotlight but because you see & learn way more when you are not the one who has all of the attention focused on them. People forget themselves in your presence and reveal key details that are quietly cataloged for future reference.

But back to the photo...I have been more in the spotlight since it's unveiling than I have been in quite some years. I have to say it is rather enjoyable and seems to be having dual effects on both Men and Women. Funny how you can be both loved and hated for the exact same reason.
I can honestly say, I take the hatred as more of a compliment than the love. Strange, huh? But the fact that I have ruffled feathers and prompted negative reactions from others shows me that I am definitely doing something right, and motivates me to continue. I know that those who Love me are gonna show love...it's kinda of given. And, unfortunately, I expect the hatred too...but the fact that someone went out of their way & stepped away from their life to try and influence mine negatively versus saying nothing at all, not only says something about them, but it says something about me too! :-)

A Love Letter...

We met in the late 90s, and almost immediately you captured my heart. Your city boy swag and way with words quickly won me over. I was infatuated with all things related to you. I look back on those days and smile...so many never gave you chance and most didn't understand my love for you, especially when there were other more prominent and well know around. Not sure what it was, but I felt comfortable with you from the start.
The last decade and a half, have been a journey. When I have need you, you have always been there for me...always speaking the words I needed, exactly when I needed to hear them. Most times it is like you can read my mind or feel what's happening in my heart. You know me almost better than I know myself. We have celebrated together, during times of great joy...and we have also mourned together during times of sorrow. You never held your tongue, you always spoke your mind & you have no problem standing out when everyone else is just trying to blend in, it is these attributes that make my love for your continue to grow.
I thank you for the man you were, all those years ago, and appreciate you for the man you have become all these years later. I know that in 15 more years there will only be more love and admiration in my heart for you!!!

Life is Grand

The past few weeks have been phenomenal for me. While there have been the normal bumps along the road, such as drama and stress, all in all things have made an upswing. I have cleared my chest and my conscious of things i have been carrying around...holding them inside trying to bear the burden myself so as not to burden those I care about. But they are released, back to the giver they go and now I am finally free. I sleep well at night, and have realized the error of my ways in some aspects of life. My only mission now is to make amends and to fully realize the person that I am.

I am content...vacation is relaxing, the kids are healthy, love is good and friends are plenty! I have had the opportunity to cross some things of my bucket list and have been inundated with opportunities that will allow me to grow, succeed and prosper. I am exercising my creativity in a myriad of ways and I am liberated beyond belief...my "I Don't Give A Fuck" attitude is being full actualized and embraced. I laugh at some of the people I am forced to encounter on a regular basis...because they live behind this facade, pretending to be something they are not for fear of what may become. Too bad for them!!!!!

I am a force to be reckoned with...I have left plenty of Men and Women in my wake, hopefully they had their life preservers because I live under the auspice of "Sink or Swim". I am still shattering the preconceived notions of some and the rubber exteriors they present to world. Hindsight might be 20/20 but I've found something even better...X-ray vision and YES! I can see right through your asses (smile). The things people think I care about are actually the ones furthest from my mind...I find a sense of joy and pleasure about living life off the beaten path. The journey may be more difficult, but the reward is more fulfilling!

Today was a GOOD day!

"Just wakin up in the mornin, gotta thank God/I dunno but today seems kinda odd" ~Ice Cube

So I woke up this morning excited about what the day had in store for me, and it did not disappoint. I stepped outside my box and into a new one...and in all my days I never would've thought that I would have ended up in this place, with this person. It's funny the twist and turns life takes, I know more and more daily that I am not just trying convince myself that I am this Bitch/Asshole, but that I truly have transmogrified into a new ME! Today was SOOOO much fun, and just another layer I can add to my life experiences...I've done quite a bit of new things over the past 10 months and I look forward to the many more that will follow. Today's experience served as a HUGE confidence booster and quite frankly gave the Bitch and the Asshole more ammunition and more fuel for their FIRES.

If you fall...

I just watched the movie "Precious" for the first time...something I have been putting off for months because I prefer to read the book a movie is based on before seeing the movie. But in the busy-ness of life I just haven't gotten around to it. Anyway, God truly does do things for a reason, because for whatever reason I decided to watch it tonight. It TRULY made me realize that my trials and tribulations aren't as bad as I thought they were this morning. Despite everything my life is nothing like what Claireece had to endure. I CAN read & write...I HAVE a mother who loves me...I AM educated...I HAVE two beautiful children who are happy and healthy...I HAVE a job...I HAVE people who genuinely care about me and my well being...I AM healthy...I HAVE a father who loves me... So in the grand scheme of things I could be a lot worse off than the state that I am in. In all actuality, this movie also makes me realize that with all that she endured, Claireece was still able to push on. She went to school, continued to learn, raised her kids, and made a life for herself despite her molestation and HIV status. I know there are people in the world who are worse off than I am, and yet they persevere and live happy lives. It makes me think of one of my favorite quotes by Les Brown "If you fall, fall on your back. If you can look up then you can get up!"

This Can't Be Life...

I am struck by the words of the Jay-Z(et. al.) song "This Can't Be Life". How often do we sit down and really evaluate our lives? Well today I've had the opportunity to really evaluate mine, and I am quite disappointed to say things are not how I would have planned, imagined or dreamed they'd be on the verge of my 32ND birthday. I am a Libra, an idealist...I believe in love, white picket fences and happily ever after. Or at least I did before today....now I am not sure what to believe anymore. I always wanted a relationship, who doesn't want to connect with someone of like mind, goals, morals and dreams...nobody WANTS to be alone. Sadly I can say I've never had that. The 4 men I've ever devoted my heart to, have never been able to give me their hearts in a like manner. Some have given me more than others, but none have given me all. In each case, there was always me and someone else. The first couldn't give me his heart because I wouldn't give him my body, so he chose to flaunt his sexual conquests in my face. The second I actually gave my body too, but I guess it wasn't enough because he sought pleasure from another and ultimately had two kids with her. The third didn't want anyone to know about "us", and me being naive and stupid went along with the scheme...not realizing until it was too late that he needed "us" to be a secret so that his others wouldn't find out. And even after most found out or surmised our relationship I was still never his "girlfriend" until I was on my way out the door. The fourth started as something I never expected to last. I fully intended him to be a temporary fling to bide my time during a hiatus from number 3...fortunately or unfortunately it turned into way more. As a result, here I sit 12 years and 4 kids later wondering how my life turned into this and still no closer to having his heart the same way he has mine. Of the 4 I have to say that number 2 and 4 mean/meant the most to me. And it is funny because they remind me so much of each other. I will eternally love number 4 because of the two little miracles he gave me, but I think we will never be more than parents to the same children. And that saddens me...because like I said I believe in happily ever after! I want my kids to wake up daily with both parents present in the household and I hate being in the statistic of African-American women who will never marry or that they are in a statistic of being born to a single parent. IT HURTS LIKE HELL, and my heart has broken into a million pieces knowing I brought them into this situation and can't fix or undo it. And so I sit here in the dark with the words of Jay-Z flowing through my head..."This can't be life, this can't be love. This can't be right, there's gotta be more, this can't be us!"

So I have been really doing some soul searching the past couple of weeks and I have come to several conclusions:

1. I am a good person, notice I didn't say perfect...I've never professed to know it ALL, or understand it ALL or even to be able to do it ALL. I have flaws and I am capable of admitting that. But if I can live with the flaws of others, then I just want the same in return.

2. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love HARD, I love deep and I love selfishly. I've had to do a lot of sharing my life and for once I wanna have my cake and eat it ALL by my damn self!!!!

3. I am willing to deal with and do damn near anything for those that I TRULY love.

4. Don't, I repeat DON'T mess with my kids...if we aren't friends why the hell are you touching my offspring.

5. I get personal amusement from people who are tough from a distance. You didn't want none the last time, then chance are you don't want any now. Stop trying to use words to hurt me, it doesn't work!

Alright, now that I've gotten that off of my chest on to more important matters...

$hit that Pisses Me Off!

Here is a revamp of an old Classic....enjoy!

~Why is it that people feel they have the authority to distribute other people's belongings. So as we all know I am a pen snob, I only like specific pens...namely Pilot V-7 in Fine, Uniball Scripto Bit, Dixon Ticonderoga pencils and a few others. So, why would you pass out the stuff that I purchase for myself to students? I mean clearly I didn't intend for them to have it...you've never seen me pass out the "good" stuff to them before. Now I am all for making sure students are able to learn, but I have specific pencils for my rugrats because realistically I know that once I lend it one of two things is gonna happen - 1) I am not getting it back or 2) they are gonna sharpen it so d@mn small that I am not going to want it back. All I am saying is keep your hands to yourself, lol

~People who beep their horn 2 seconds after the light turns green. I mean are you really in that much of a d@mn hurry? Guess what, that only serves to piss me off and 9 times outta 10 I am gonna sit at the light a few seconds longer just to piss you off. Not to mention I know how to blow my horn too, which I will also do in return to your constant honks. See what your impatience got you...now you are even later than you were before you beeped at me. Next time leave the house earlier or give me some reaction time. Sheesh!

~Parents who think that Teachers are some sort of Educational slave. If I am not mistaken Frederick, Harriet, and Sojourner got us off the plantation and Rosa got us off the back of the bus, so why are you talking to me like I am some second class citizen. You must be off your rocker...I am gonna need you to bring it down a notch and speak to me as an adult. Yes I work in a classroom full of children but that doesn't make me one. And in case you didn't know, I will hang up on you. Don't try to front and flex on me...I've seen your address, I know where you live - IT'S CALLED THE HOOD! And I drive past it everyday on my way to work...lol

~People who do little to no work yet they get paid the same (probably more than) I do. I am gonna need you to take your lazy ass outta my classroom and go bother somebody else. The same rules apply to you that apply to my students...if I can't do it, then you can't either! So WTF makes you think you're gonna take a nap in here???? If you have a medical condition like Narcolepsy then please exit my classroom and find the nearest PCP to get a prescription to take care of that. Otherwise, get the hell away from me before I kirk on you!!!

~People who interject into other people's conversations...we don't know what the heck you are even talking about, do you? I mean it would be one thing if we liked you and you were part of the "group", but we DON'T and you're NOT so go tell your mindless banter to someone else because when you talk all we hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH like on the Peanuts cartoons. So please understand we are not laughing with you, we are lauging AT YOU!!!!!!!!!

~What makes parents think they are qualified enough to play doctor on their kids. Just because you watched a few episodes of House, Grey's Anantomy or General Hospital doesn't put an M.D. behind your name or make you a learned enough to take Little Johnny off his ADHD medication. Now you are pissed at me because I keep calling you on your JOB because Little Johnny is disrupting me from doing my JOB. How do you expect me to teach or him to learn if he is roaming around the classroom and trying to terrorize all his classmates. You don't have anybody to mad at but your d@mnself! Next time seek the help of a real MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL if you child needs medical attention. And be happy that kids can't sue their parents for medical malpractice for playing around with their ADHD (or any other) meds and messing up their education!!!

SMDH

People never cease to amaze me, that's one of the good things I can say about the human race...just when you think you've seen it all, we do something new! Anyways, so a "blast" from my past has recently sought me out to regain contact and since we didn't really part ways on a negative note (not really positive either) I was like cool okay. So we've been chatting back and forth here and there for about a year or so. At first it was text everyday, calling on his lunch break just to say "Hi!" He was goin on and on about he's missed me for the past 13 years and how I was the love of his life. Mind you when he first "found" me I was 8 mnths pregnant, but he didn't seem to care about any of that then not to mention I told him from the get go that me and the baby daddy were still very much involved. So, I drop the baby and things are still cool we still talk off and on, and it is kinda nice to have an old friend back. Fast forward to Wednesday...so I ask him to send me a pic for my new phone to save in caller id, and i get this long winded explanation about how his phone doesn't take good pics and that he can only send them through email. To which I respond, "it is cool, just send it to my email I am sure that it will be fine (per previously sent pics)." He gets all in a tizzy...why do always think I'm lying, etc...WTH?!?!?! How did that statement get interpreted as an accusation of lying? Am I missing something...well, I respond to the accusation saying "that wasn't how I meant it, I was just saying that any picture would suffice", 3 days later I get another response after my second text asking why he was being so quiet, to which he responds " you always think I am telling stories". Now I am shaking my damn head...I remember you telling me you brought an new cell phone in July, you honestly want me to believe that you can only send pics through email, what cellphone does that? Now shaky coverage and missing text msgs. I can believe, but now the string of convenient "can'ts" is growing. You don't wanna be bothered, please just say that...I mean my life for the past 13 years had moved on, you were the one going on and on about you missed me and wanted to find me and I was the love of your life...yadda yadda yadda. Please by all means crawl back under the rock you disappeared under 13 years ago. Now he accuses me of being "short" with people and that I have to care about something, "REally, I mean really?" I am short with people...NO! I am short with you...you are the one who can't accept my explanations, you are the one who wanted back in MY life and now are acting shady, you are the one who initially disappeared from MY life with no explanation, no good-bye, nothing! And now you wanna act like I owe you something...NINJA PUH-LEZ! I care about a whole helluva lot which is part of my problem now, because it usually causes me heartache in the end....let's flashback to '95 when I cared about you, then you dis-afreakin-ppeared only to get someone else pregnant, yeah exactly. So now I am once again SMDH at somebody who I clearly NEVER should have given a 2nd chance!!!!! "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

As our time together draws near a close I just wanted to take some time to reflect on our time together...

Thank you for helping us celebrate my daughter's first year of life, she has grown and changed so much since your commencement.

Thank you for seeing my son through the 1st half of Pre-K, he is getting smarter everyday!

Thank you for recession, because even though lots of people have lost their jobs, it has made me appreciate mine even more!

Thank you for growth, I have finally learned that I am able to let go of things I previously thought I'd never be able to survive without!

Thank you showing me another year of life, 30 was good, but 31 will be even better!

Thank you for tribulations, because they truly brought me understand and belief in the POWER of PRAYER!

Thank you for family (near and far, real and work) who listen, love and keep me grounded!

Thank you for the simple things in life, like spending time with my children, that help me unwind and let go of my adult "problems" for the wonders of childhood.

Thank you for the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY! While it may not have been easy at the time, looking back it has enriched my life in ways unimagined. So Thank you 2009, and while I hate to see you go our time together has been well spent. I look forward to my time with 2010 now!!!

Mieshay

Weird Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Me!

This has been a year of great reflection and analysis. I've been looking at my teaching, mothering, loving, etc... all from a different perspective. All of this self-reflection has brought me to the realization that I am quite the quirky person. Here are things I've realized about myself that you probably never realized...

1. I am a pen snob! I only like certain types of pens (and pencils) that look, feel and write a certain way. If it doesn't meet my criteria then to the trash it goes. And I am very particular about who I let use my "special" pens.

2. I hate when the lights are on during the daylight hours (unless it is overcast) it just seems like such a waste of beautiful sunlight.

3. I am ADDICTED to ice. I eat it by the cup and by the tray the way most people eat a bag of chips. Some people like chocolate, I like ice...what can I say!!!

4. I will only use Colgate Mint Zing toothpaste, Dove/Caress soap, Johnson's creamy baby oil, Mitchum deodorant, Oral B toothbrushes and white towels/wash cloths and All laundry detergent.

** Check back periodically, as I am sure this list will continue to grow!